Sunday, 28 December 2014

The Return of Andy "Gandhi"

After slumming it at university in York for the last few months, Andy “Gandhi” returned to the court for our pre-christmas session. He certainly hadn’t lost his knack for bike polo and soon got into the swing of things and scored two well composed goals in the first game. He soon got back into his old ways though and very quickly took Nick “The Shouty One” off his bike with a mallard right through his bottom bracket. Some excellent passing moves and great goals saw Andy come 3rd on the day just outdone for 2nd by Kol on goal difference. He was also the top scorer on the day knocking in 11 fantastic goals. Well done Andy it was great to have you back on the court.

Kol “The Statsman” seemed to develop a shooting stutter on the day. A static ball inches from the goal line and no-one else around. How could he miss. Flapping around like a one winged duck he made at least 6 attempts to hit the ball before it was cleared by a defender.  A very embarrassing situation for "The Statsman". Unfortunately his embarrassment continued as he did exactly the same at the other end of the court later in the session. He was even further embarrassed when “Young Jack” tried to ram his handlebars up his bum but that’s another story.

Today sees the last session of 2014 and despite the “End of the World” reports of snow it looks like we are going to have a sunny but chilly session.  Who’s going to have a “cracker” of a day and who will get “stuffed”.


Monday, 22 December 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 21st December 2014

What a great day. Well done to Nick on his first win of the season and it was good to see Andy Gandhi back in the saddle.

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Merry Christmas

It's the last Sunday before Christmas so come on down and LET'S PLAY POLO! Cheeriness and Good Spirits required... Christmas jumpers are optional. Welly Lane hardcourt 2pm. Everyone welcome.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

A “Ball Breaking” Good Time

Last week saw just four players battling for supremacy on the court. This meant several fast and furious “twosies” and a lot of silliness. It was a good day for practicing our passing moves and getting a bit of target practice in although Dean “Double Dean” Dent seemed more content with spinning 360’s. Soon the skilful passing moves turned into everyone hitting the ball as hard as they could. This continued until eventually we broke the ball.

Don’t worry we have new “cool” balls arriving soon courtesy of “The Shouty One” at East Coast Bicycles. They are “cool” in the sense that they function best between 0 and 20 degrees but they are green which is possibly slightly less "cool" than fluorescent pink.

Let’s hope for more players this week. BRING ON THE POLO!

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Acute Goals, No Goals & Own Goals

Last week saw a lot of very impressive goals. Will ”Crappy Foot” soon set the standard and showed a lot of composure as on two occasions he calmly slipped the ball into the back of the goal from a very acute angle. Excellent goals Will. Well Done!

Will was on a roll and he soon turned his hand to goal spotting. A cracking shot by “The Shouty One” saw the ball scream towards the goal. It was such a high paced shot that it was difficult to see if it had gone in. Nick was confident and none of the other players disagreed but Will called a No Goal (How Rude) stating that the ball was over the bar. The crowd went silent (well the kids stopped screaming for a moment). A controversial decision indeed. Maybe its time we got some goal line technology or maybe just some nets.

Kol managed to score the most impressive own goal ever in Hull Bicycle Polo’s history. A super powerful shot from the half way line saw the ball blocked on the goal line by Nick’s front wheel. Unfortunately for Kol he had hit the ball so hard that it went flying past everyone and back down the other end of the court and straight his own goal. Even Dean “Double Dean” Dent in super fast mode couldn’t catch the ball.

Kol did partially redeem himself later with the goal of the day. A perfectly weighted cross from “Double Dean” to the centre of the court followed by a first time strike from Kol saw the ball fly into the back of the net. A great goal but everyone will remember the day for Kol’s own goal.

In other news; PC Paul on returning to “Bag Corner” after a game managed to fall off his bike. ??? Mr Roger’s chain snapped and he had to play the last game on Double Dean’s bike. “The only Fixed Wheel bike in the village”. Young Jack “The River Horse” had a mood swing and went from overly giggly at the start of the session to extremely grumpy at the end. 

Once again it was another great session. Well done everyone.


Sunday, 30 November 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 30th November 2014

What a cracking day! Well done everyone.

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games

Thrills, Spills and Knife Fights

The gloomy grey day kept the players at bay on Sunday. With only Kol ‘the statsman’ and dean ‘double dean’ leaving from the shop it almost ended up in a one on one. Young jack had caught some kind of river horse Ebola and Will decided he’d like to shout at someone called Louise Hamilton through his telly box. Christmas shopping or warmth probably got the others.

When the two lonely players arrived they were greeted with a shopping trolley on court. One to go on the list alongside shed, human poo, animal poo, vodka bottles and PC Paul’s private vhs collection from weeks past.

Speaking of which, PC Paul and Mr roger did finally turn up and apologised for their tardiness. With the numbers being low Mr roger proposed a knife fight to keep us warm. No really! This thankfully involved ingeniously utilising discarded beer cans and made for a very skilful game indeed rather than actual knives.

Oh we also played some proper real polo. Mr Roger won because he had more points than the others. And Mr Roger had most goals because he scored more goals than the others. Its the aim of the game really.

Its Sunday, lets polo!

(This weeks Mallard was written by Dean "Double Dean" Dent)

Sunday, 23 November 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 23rd November 2014

Only a few of us but a great session as always.

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games


Some say that if you cut a worm in half you get two worms. I never really believed that and I have learnt from experience that all you end up with is a dead worm in two pieces. The same goes for Paul “Worm’s” shinny new bicycle. A great looking piece of kit indeed. 
Unfortunately it soon became apparent that something was not quite right and almost immediately in the first game his chain came off. This became a recurring theme throughout the afternoon with his chain slipping off during most of the matches.
Young Jack tried to distract us from the multiple chain incidents with a flat tyre but this was soon overshadowed by the “Worm”.  HIS PEDAL FELL OFF!!!! Not only did it fall of but there wasn’t any thread left on the crank. We thought that this was the end of the day for the “Worm’s” bike but being a resourceful man he soon returned to the court with his pedal replaced with a rusty old bolt and carried on. (I’m sure this wouldn’t have passed tournament regulations). After that Paul “Worm” hung around the goal a lot.

Well after a day of more time-outs than an American football match and the court getting dark as we tried to squeeze in the last few games we realised that we had actually played some polo and there was a winner. Somehow Kol “The Statsman” managed to recover from his previous week’s poor performance and came out on top. Nick just beat Mr Roger to second place on goal difference and PC Paul and Young Jack also could only be separated  by goal difference  with PC Paul coming out on top and taking 4th spot. Understandably the “Worm” and his collection of bicycle parts finished last.

Despite all the stoppages and delays it was another very enjoyable session. Well done everyone.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 16th November 2014

Another great session

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games

Double Dean's Day

Last week certainly was “Double Dean” Dent’s day. After missing most of the Autumn season he really did impress us all on the first day of the winter season. Only losing 1 out of the 10 games played he topped the table by a clear 8 points. Not only did he win the session, it seemed like he wanted to score all the goals too and ended up being top scorer with 14 goals. Well done Dean! A very impressive performance indeed.

Mr Roger put in a great performance too coming second and also scoring 11 goals (12 if you include his own goal).  Mr Roger may have scored more goals but just couldn’t get the ball past “The Statsman” who just seemed to be in the way every time he had a shot.

Newbie “Ed” had a great day too. After having to get used to an unfamiliar bicycle and lots “encouragement” for the other players he soon got in to the swing of things and started putting together some great passes. Well done Ed!

Paul (Worm) turned up on his shiny new polo bike. (It wasn’t so shiny and new by the time we had finished with it). It seemed to take him a while to get used to brakes that work but he soon got the hang of it and started getting in our way.  Although coming last on the day he managed to wiggle into some great positions and scored a couple of great goals. Well done Paul!

Well what can I say  about “Young Jack” and Wendy “Crappy Foot”? Not much really. I normally don’t discuss mid table mediocrity but on as they both performed better than me I suppose I should. Here goes ...... Jack and Will played really well. 

Kol “The Statsman” (aka Me) didn’t have a very good week. He still has the words “He’s not going to be happy with that” ringing through his ears. Some say that he was just to tired on  the day. Others think that he has lost his mojo but the majority believe that if he just stopped talking about himself in the 3rd person he may be able to concentrate on the game. Expect a better performance from him... sorry me today.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

What's For Tea Mr Roger

Last week saw Mr Roger “The One and Only” come top for the third time this season. Newbie Darren (we really need to get him a nickname) came second on his debut and even managed to score a goal. Well done Darren. It was rather a strange session with 8 out of the 12 games ending in draws and 6 of them finishing 2 all. Well done everyone

Today sees the last session of the Autumn season and what an interesting and exciting season it was. Lots of great goals, some cracking team play but most of all lots of spectacular falling off. The volume of falling off did decrease after Andy “Gandhi” left us and moved to York. “Guiness” Dave briefly tried to fill the gap that Andy left and although he made a valiant effort he just didn’t deliver the consistency and style of falling off that Andy demonstrated every week.
We also saw newbies Paul “Worm” and Darren (still no nickname) join us plus a brief return by Mike and the long awaited return of Big Red. We may have to find a new name for Big Red as he is no longer big and is not quite as red as he used to be.  I kind of like “Slimly Pink” but I’m strange like that.

As a special treat Mr Roger has invited us all to an “End of Season Tea” at his house after polo today. At last we’ll get to taste some of Mr Roger’s famed home cooking. Can’t wait.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

"The Shouty One" Show

Judging by the results it looks like Nick “The Shouty One” won convincingly last week. I was not there so I cannot accurately report on the events of the day but by winning the day on 37 points (17 points more than his nearest rival Mr Roger) and scoring 32 goals it certainly looks like Nick “can do it all by himself”.


Because A. It is not sharp and B. look at the mess it made.

This week I shall be bringing the correct tool for the job. Maybe a selection of ball point and fine tip pens all of which will easily do the job.

LETS PLAY POLO!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sunday, 28 September 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 28th September 2014

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games

“Mad Cow” Deceased?

Last week PC Paul turned up on his newly built steed. “Mad Cow” was a spectacular looking piece of engineering and immediately caught the attention of the other players.  Jesting, Kol “The Statsman” said “That’s cool...... I’m sure we’ll break it!”. Unfortunately for  PC Paul “Many a true word is spoken in jest” and later on in the day Kol crumpled Mad Cow’s rear wheel in a slow motion coming together. Some said that his wheel was “as bent as a nine-bob note”, others said “It’s twisted like a pigs ...... er ..... tail” and I’m sure I heard one of the younger players say “It’s F••••d”.  Kol did a bit of wheel surgery (kicked it) and got the wheel moving again (just). 

It wasn’t Paul’s day. A minor tumble saw his leg cut and his pride dented. He was also struggling to concentrate. He said “All I could hear was Young Jack chasing Kol around shouting “I’m coming up your back”. Nobody really knew what Jack meant but he did make himself laugh.

Later Kol had to show Jack how to put clothes on. It is amazing how the youth of today can understand and used incredibly technology but they can’ put on a simple zip fronted, armless, hooded cardigan. 

In other news.... 


Sunday, 21 September 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 21st September 2014

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games

Return of "The One and Only"

Mr Roger produced an excellent performance last week to win the session by a clear 3 points.  After a slow start he soon got into the swing of things. Although he complained of not scoring many goals earlier in  the session, he went on to be the days top goal scorer with 16 goals. Well done Mr Roger.

After finding his form the previous session and with a new bottom bracket and crank set Dean “Double Dean” Dent was determined to do well last week. He didn’t let us down and put in an impressive performance to come second on the day. Dean has been formerly excused this week due to “work commitments”. In a statement he said “I think after a 1st and a 2nd I have done well enough to be excused from beating everyone all the time”. How rude?

"Guiness"Dave seemed to playing his own version of the game on Sunday. If the idea of the game was to put your foot down then Dave would have won by a mile.  At least his chain didn’t come off last week.

Will “Crappy Foot” Fish put in his best performance of the season and although he only scored 6 goals, they were all pretty spectacular. Although PC Paul came last on the day his performance didn’t reflect the result. With some great moves and excellent passing he deserved more. Well done both!

Well that’s it for this week although I am sure there was another incident last week ..... now then ... what was it? ... Ah the nagging pain at the bottom of my leg has reminded me. Kol “The Statsman” (me) now holds the record for the fastest falling off ever. A super fast joust followed by a ball under the front wheel saw Kol upside down with his bike tangled round his leg. This was just 4 seconds into the first game. Afterwards Kol said “It was quite a controlled dismount but then by bike decided to try and eat my leg”. Kol survived the incident and went on the come third. 

Let’s hope everyone stays on their bikes this week. 


Sunday, 14 September 2014

How Close Was That?

Dean “Double Dean” Dent won last week but boy was it close. Bonus points meant that Dean and Kol were tied for top spot on 23 points. Dean just took it on goal difference beating Kol by just 2 goals. Dean was also riding on a rather broken bicycle. Imagine how well he would play on a bicycle that works properly. Kol and Young Jack have now repaired Dean’s bike and it works better than it ever did. In a statement Kol said “Why the f**k did we do that. Now he’s going to be even harder to beat”. Well done Dean. 

The least said about Guiness Dave’s performance last week the better. Dave may use the excuse that his chain kept falling off but we really know that his performance was so poor because he hadn’t had enough Guiness. 

Andy “Gandhi” has played his last game for HBP for a while as he has moved to York to do a Masters in Computer Science. Would you beleive it... our Andy’s off into the big wide world to get all learned up and stuff. The conspiracy theorists have been hard at it. One theory is that a collection was made by Hull Bicycle Polo players and the money raised was used to bribe the university to take Andy “Gandhi” and keep him for a minimum of 3 years. Another theory is that Andy has actually been exiled to York for his crimes against bicycles. He will only be allowed to return to Hull when he stops falling off his bike.

Whatever the reason was for Andy Gandhi has moved to York we wish him all the best. We will miss our little curly haired, red faced boy.

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Mix It Up Sunday 7th September 2014

Another great and very amusing session

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games

Five Went Mad last Sunday!

Only a handful of players managed to make last weeks session and what a session it was. Due to low numbers Mr Roger, Andy, Will, PC Paul and Kol had to play a whole load of 2 on 2. Madness ensued!

After a tight first game the guys soon got into the swing of things and the following three games all finished early on the first to five rule. Overall 10 out of the 15 games played were stopped on the first to five rule. Now that’s a lot of bonus points!!!

It suddenly became a goal fest. Mr Roger & Kol both got hat tricks. PC Paul scored 4 goals in a cracking 5-3 win with Kol against Mr Roger and Andy while Andy got 4 goals in a 5-0 whitewash with Kol over PC Paul and Will. Now this could either mean that Kol “the statsman) is and excellent team player and his passing on the day was outstanding or that PC Paul and Andy “Gandhi” are just greedy f****rs.  
83 goals were scored on the day (including PC Paul’s OG).

Now let’s move on to the MADNESS OF WILL “CRAPPY FOOT” FISH. Somehow Will only won one game out of the twelve he played. He didn’t play (too) badly, he didn’t do (too many) stupid things, he didn’t put his foot down (much) but he didn’t win (a lot). TOTAL MADNESS.

At the end of the day Kol came top closely followed by Andy. Mr Roger (despite having his ribs broken by Andy early in the session) managed to hold on to third spot. PC Paul got fourth whilst way, way ,way ,way, way way down at the bottom of the table was Will in fifth.

It was a great session. Lets have another one this week with a few more players. The madness of 2v2 almost destroyed us all. Let’s Play Polo!!!!!!

Sunday, 31 August 2014

"Mix It Up" Sunday 31st August 2014

What a day and what a lot of goals. Well done everyone.

The Results

The Goal Scorers

The Games