What a festive and cheery session we had last week. At times it was total chaos with several periods of what can only be described as a shambles and at other times it was pure class. A superb passing move between Dean “Double Dean” Dent and “Statsman” Kol saw Dean through on goal with only the keeper to beat. The opposition gasped and shouts of “brilliant” and “f**k me” were heard as Dean approached the goal. Almost in slow motion Dean took the shot and time seemed to freeze as the ball went flying pas the net. Almost instantly Dean commented, “It would have been perfect if I’d have scored”. To true Mr Dent and nice of you to state the obvious but it still has to go down as the best move of the day. Lets see some more this week.
In true festive and cheery spirit “Young Jack” persisted with his giggling until he eventually got Nick “The Shouty One” to bite. “What the f**k are you laughing at?” came the shout from Nick immediately followed by a chorus of “He’s being cheery and festive” from the other players. Oh I do like the way you wind Nick up Jack but just remember “He can’t do it all by himself”.
Will “Crappy Foot” got closer to the ground than he did to the goal last week but unlike “Lumpy” he used his knee and not his head to cushion his fall. Playing one legged for the rest of the session, Will made several valiant efforts at scoring. The most memorable being him just about to take the shot only to be tackled and taken off his bike by Jack. Well done Jack. You will score soon Will but it is difficult when even your own players try to stop you. Soon Will soon. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow (well not tomorrow as we are not playing tomorrow) but soon...
In other news, Jack was pushed off his bike by Dean. I believe he deserved it.
I couldn't find a representation of a shambles so here's a picture of Justin Beiber.
What an introduction David had to Bicycle Polo. After just one week of spectating and taking photos he got the bug and decided to join us for last weeks session. After a shaky start he soon got into the games and we soon started seeing some good defensive moves and a couple of close shots on goal. Looks like David could be a contender. Well done David.
Last week saw the return of “Heads Up” Byran after a prolonged absence. He soon got back in to the swing of things though and after a quiet start he was soon back to the Bryan we know and love. Lots of foot down’s, falling off and collisions. Go Bryan! Its good to have you back.
Another bad week for Mr Roger. Although he didn’t play badly, he just couldn’t get the goals to go in. 10th place sees him knocked of the top of league and he now goes from being the top ranked player to being ranked 5th. Don’t be surprised if we see a comeback from Mr Roger today.
After a convincing 2nd place Adam is now the number one ranked player. Kol now goes top of the league just 2 points ahead of Mr Roger and climbs to number 2 in the ranking.
What a well balanced session we had last week. Dean “Double Dean” Dent came top for the first time this season. Just one win ahead of the rest of the players he took the top spot by just 3 points. Well done Mr Dent (that’s two weeks on the trot that you’ve been mentioned in the Mallard). Close behind and sharing second spot were Jon “Lumpy” Fish and Young Jack and just 2 points behind them and sharing 4th place were Mr Roger, Kol and Will “Crappy Foot” Fish. Out of the 12 games played, six were drawn and the remaining six only had a one goal difference. Very tight indeed.
Sunday saw the first own goal of the season. Jon mad a valiant attempt to clear the ball. He made a very good clean and powerful contact. He certainly did whack it. Unfortunately Andy was directly behind him and the ball bounced straight off his mallard into their own goal. If this had been an attacking move it would have been the goal of the day. Riled by the incident, Andy immediately attacked and scored a goal at the correct end. This time it was the goal of the day. Well done Andy.
Nick didn’t have a very good session. It all started with a flat tyre. Nick had to finish the game on Dean’s bike. The only fixed wheel polo bike in the whole of Hull. It was far to big and he didn’t like it one bit. No spare tube? Oh No! A quick dash back to the shop only to return and find that Dean and David had repaired the puncture.
On with games. With adrenaline levels running high, Nick threw everything into the remaining games. Including himself. A high speed dash for the ball saw him career towards the wall. Last minute braking threw him off the bike and he ended up spinning on his back like an upturned tortoise. In a split second he went from “I’m OK” to agonising pain as his bike came crushing down straight into his tentacular area. An eye witness said “I saw something that looked like a withered grape rolling across the court”.
Lets hope Nick doesn’t get fallyoffyitis again this week.
What a disastrous session last week was for Mr Roger. Only winning 1 of his 9 games Mr Roger came in 7th out of 8. He was even beaten by Jen who played her first competitive session last Sunday. Well done Jen, an excellent 5th place. Mr Roger only just remains at the top of the table with 79 points. Kol is gaining on him with 76 points and Nick is just one point behind Kol on 75. Can Nick or Kol take the top spot this week or will Mr Roger find his form again.
This week the “How Rude” Police have been in action and have enforced a gagging order on Young Jack. He is no longer allowed to say the words “Jaffa Cake” when another player is reading out the teams. A spokesperson from the “How Rude” Police made the following statement, “This is a compromise. The initial request was that Jack should not be allowed to speak, laugh, giggle or generate any noises from his mouth at all during the Polo sessions. We felt this was a bit harsh”. He refused to identify who had made the complaint but, speaking off the record, HBP’s statistician Kol said, “The little •••••• deserves it. Its always Jaffa Cake this and Jaffa Cake that. Its as if that’s all he ••••••• thinks about. He really does get on my •••• at times. One day I will take his Jaffa Cakes and shove them right up his ......”. We had to stop the interview there.
A request was made by Dean “Double Dean” Dent to get a mention in this weeks Mallard so here’s a photo that Dean took of a scarf, poo and underwear. Nice composition Mr Dent.
Maybe I’ll mention him again just to fill up this space. It just doesn’t look right with nothing here. This is going to be good. I’ve just thought of something really positive to write about him. Here goes...brace yourselves. Dean was...
We turned up last week to find the Tory Scum goalmouth full with the largest pile of rubbish I have ever seen. Needles, bottles, paper and possibly a dead body filled the area.
Mr Roger (The Poo Spotter) also pointed out two large deposits of Poo at the Dukes end of the court. This was not any old Poo, it was big, sloppy and strangely brown and was definitely not deposited by an animal. Nick (The Poo Sweeper) did an excellent job of removing the Poo from the court leaving just two slightly smelly stains. Will (The Poo Treader) seemed to be drawn to these stains. He had a favourite stain and managed to walk through it several times during the afternoon. Andy (The Poo Standee) took a different approach to the Poo situation. No matter how hard he tried he seemed to end up standing directly on top of the Poo stain.
Mr Roger gets the “Golden Brush” award for his valiant effort in getting the court cleared. Andy and Will share the “Dirty, Dirty Boy” award for their obsession with Poo.
In other news....We eventually played some polo. Well done to Nick who came top and Mr Roger who came in second place and maintains his lead at the top of the league table. Andy put in an excellent performance and came third. His highest position so far. Well done everyone.