What a festive and cheery session we had last week. At times it was total chaos with several periods of what can only be described as a shambles and at other times it was pure class. A superb passing move between Dean “Double Dean” Dent and “Statsman” Kol saw Dean through on goal with only the keeper to beat. The opposition gasped and shouts of “brilliant” and “f**k me” were heard as Dean approached the goal. Almost in slow motion Dean took the shot and time seemed to freeze as the ball went flying pas the net. Almost instantly Dean commented, “It would have been perfect if I’d have scored”. To true Mr Dent and nice of you to state the obvious but it still has to go down as the best move of the day. Lets see some more this week.
In true festive and cheery spirit “Young Jack” persisted with his giggling until he eventually got Nick “The Shouty One” to bite. “What the f**k are you laughing at?” came the shout from Nick immediately followed by a chorus of “He’s being cheery and festive” from the other players. Oh I do like the way you wind Nick up Jack but just remember “He can’t do it all by himself”.
Will “Crappy Foot” got closer to the ground than he did to the goal last week but unlike “Lumpy” he used his knee and not his head to cushion his fall. Playing one legged for the rest of the session, Will made several valiant efforts at scoring. The most memorable being him just about to take the shot only to be tackled and taken off his bike by Jack. Well done Jack. You will score soon Will but it is difficult when even your own players try to stop you. Soon Will soon. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow (well not tomorrow as we are not playing tomorrow) but soon...
In other news, Jack was pushed off his bike by Dean. I believe he deserved it.
I couldn't find a representation of a shambles so here's a picture of Justin Beiber.
What an introduction David had to Bicycle Polo. After just one week of spectating and taking photos he got the bug and decided to join us for last weeks session. After a shaky start he soon got into the games and we soon started seeing some good defensive moves and a couple of close shots on goal. Looks like David could be a contender. Well done David.
Last week saw the return of “Heads Up” Byran after a prolonged absence. He soon got back in to the swing of things though and after a quiet start he was soon back to the Bryan we know and love. Lots of foot down’s, falling off and collisions. Go Bryan! Its good to have you back.
Another bad week for Mr Roger. Although he didn’t play badly, he just couldn’t get the goals to go in. 10th place sees him knocked of the top of league and he now goes from being the top ranked player to being ranked 5th. Don’t be surprised if we see a comeback from Mr Roger today.
After a convincing 2nd place Adam is now the number one ranked player. Kol now goes top of the league just 2 points ahead of Mr Roger and climbs to number 2 in the ranking.
What a well balanced session we had last week. Dean “Double Dean” Dent came top for the first time this season. Just one win ahead of the rest of the players he took the top spot by just 3 points. Well done Mr Dent (that’s two weeks on the trot that you’ve been mentioned in the Mallard). Close behind and sharing second spot were Jon “Lumpy” Fish and Young Jack and just 2 points behind them and sharing 4th place were Mr Roger, Kol and Will “Crappy Foot” Fish. Out of the 12 games played, six were drawn and the remaining six only had a one goal difference. Very tight indeed.
Sunday saw the first own goal of the season. Jon mad a valiant attempt to clear the ball. He made a very good clean and powerful contact. He certainly did whack it. Unfortunately Andy was directly behind him and the ball bounced straight off his mallard into their own goal. If this had been an attacking move it would have been the goal of the day. Riled by the incident, Andy immediately attacked and scored a goal at the correct end. This time it was the goal of the day. Well done Andy.
Nick didn’t have a very good session. It all started with a flat tyre. Nick had to finish the game on Dean’s bike. The only fixed wheel polo bike in the whole of Hull. It was far to big and he didn’t like it one bit. No spare tube? Oh No! A quick dash back to the shop only to return and find that Dean and David had repaired the puncture.
On with games. With adrenaline levels running high, Nick threw everything into the remaining games. Including himself. A high speed dash for the ball saw him career towards the wall. Last minute braking threw him off the bike and he ended up spinning on his back like an upturned tortoise. In a split second he went from “I’m OK” to agonising pain as his bike came crushing down straight into his tentacular area. An eye witness said “I saw something that looked like a withered grape rolling across the court”.
Lets hope Nick doesn’t get fallyoffyitis again this week.
What a disastrous session last week was for Mr Roger. Only winning 1 of his 9 games Mr Roger came in 7th out of 8. He was even beaten by Jen who played her first competitive session last Sunday. Well done Jen, an excellent 5th place. Mr Roger only just remains at the top of the table with 79 points. Kol is gaining on him with 76 points and Nick is just one point behind Kol on 75. Can Nick or Kol take the top spot this week or will Mr Roger find his form again.
This week the “How Rude” Police have been in action and have enforced a gagging order on Young Jack. He is no longer allowed to say the words “Jaffa Cake” when another player is reading out the teams. A spokesperson from the “How Rude” Police made the following statement, “This is a compromise. The initial request was that Jack should not be allowed to speak, laugh, giggle or generate any noises from his mouth at all during the Polo sessions. We felt this was a bit harsh”. He refused to identify who had made the complaint but, speaking off the record, HBP’s statistician Kol said, “The little •••••• deserves it. Its always Jaffa Cake this and Jaffa Cake that. Its as if that’s all he ••••••• thinks about. He really does get on my •••• at times. One day I will take his Jaffa Cakes and shove them right up his ......”. We had to stop the interview there.
A request was made by Dean “Double Dean” Dent to get a mention in this weeks Mallard so here’s a photo that Dean took of a scarf, poo and underwear. Nice composition Mr Dent.
Maybe I’ll mention him again just to fill up this space. It just doesn’t look right with nothing here. This is going to be good. I’ve just thought of something really positive to write about him. Here goes...brace yourselves. Dean was...
We turned up last week to find the Tory Scum goalmouth full with the largest pile of rubbish I have ever seen. Needles, bottles, paper and possibly a dead body filled the area.
Mr Roger (The Poo Spotter) also pointed out two large deposits of Poo at the Dukes end of the court. This was not any old Poo, it was big, sloppy and strangely brown and was definitely not deposited by an animal. Nick (The Poo Sweeper) did an excellent job of removing the Poo from the court leaving just two slightly smelly stains. Will (The Poo Treader) seemed to be drawn to these stains. He had a favourite stain and managed to walk through it several times during the afternoon. Andy (The Poo Standee) took a different approach to the Poo situation. No matter how hard he tried he seemed to end up standing directly on top of the Poo stain.
Mr Roger gets the “Golden Brush” award for his valiant effort in getting the court cleared. Andy and Will share the “Dirty, Dirty Boy” award for their obsession with Poo.
In other news....We eventually played some polo. Well done to Nick who came top and Mr Roger who came in second place and maintains his lead at the top of the league table. Andy put in an excellent performance and came third. His highest position so far. Well done everyone.
After a week off Nick returned last week in excellent form. Only losing one game he took the top spot on the day and managed to move himself up to 3rd in the league. Well done Mr Grumpy.
Andy is slowly moving up the table and after taking 4th spot last Sunday has now moved up to 4th in the league. Well done Andy.
The last game of the session was delayed as PC Paul swung into action. Donning his metaphorical policeman’s helmet he charged off down the street to break up some young scallywags who were mid fisticuffs. After calming the situation and giving the young pups a jolly good talking to Paul returned to play the final game of the day. Everyone was very impressed with Paul’s actions especially Kol, Andy and Will who destroyed Paul’s team 2-0.
The goal that wasn’t a goal or ”When scorecards go wrong”. For a brief moment last Sunday evening Will got onto the goal scorers table. Unfortunately this was very short lived as it was a scorecard error and he hadn’t actually scored. Will confirmed this during the evening with comments such as “are you sure I scored” and “I know I definitely didn’t”. One day Will, One Day!
PC Paul may be a super hero when it comes to sorting out ruffians and scallywags but he can’t seem to put a cross against a name on the score card. Must try harder Paul.
Adam may have won last weeks “Mix it Up” Session but Dean “Double Dean.... get in the back of net.... he’s on fire” Dent was the star of the show. Scoring a massive 15 goals with 4 hat tricks he just couldn’t miss. Is this a one off? Will he continue with his good form or will he slip into his “I can’t hit a thing” mode. We shall see later.
Kol was close behind on the goal scoring with an excellent 12 goals. He also became the first player this season to get all 5 goals in a game.
Mr Roger did enough to keep himself at the top of the table. Now leading by 9 points, he’s going to be tough to beat. Adam and Dean are close behind on 26 point, Kol is on 25 and Jack on 22. Its going to be a very close season indeed.
Jon had the most spectacular dismount of the day. Although Jon has good riding skills he seemed to have forgotten the basics such as don’t use your head to cushion your fall. The dull thud of skull against concrete immediately stopped play and everyone crowded round to stare at Jon’s misfortune.
Us boys were useless in this situation. Most of us giggled, some checked his bike and there was a lot of talk of “That’s one for the hall of Pain”. Luckily Jayne was on hand to take control. Sticky plasters at the ready, Jon was soon cleaned up and repaired.
What a great start to the season!. 10 players, new balls, Jaffa cakes and a whole lotta fun.
Mr Roger had a great start to the season coming first with a clear six points ahead of the rest. Young Jack put in an excellent performance coming in second but it was close. Jack, newbie Jon and Andy were only separated by goal difference for 2nd, 3rd and 4th spot.
Although Adam couldn’t stay for the full session he still managed to get 6th spot, winning 3 out of his 4 games. Well done Sir. Mild mannered Will put in an excellent performance. His first time in a full mix it up session saw some nice blocking and some excellent air shots. Swapping between bikes seemed to be his downfall. As soon as he gets his own bike he will definitely be a force to be reckoned with.
PC Paul made his debut and although a bit shaky to start with managed to score a goal. Unfortunately the goal was immediately disallowed what with being a “shuffle” and all that. Undeterred Paul battled on and soon got hit first match play goal. Well done Paul it was a cracker.
Although Nick and Kol scored the most goals on the day, this did not reflect on their final positions. Kol only managed to come in 7th place and Nick came in 9th. Kol blamed his poor performance on Young Jack constantly offering Jaffa cakes out when he was trying to organised the games. Speaking off the record Kol said, “The little f****r really does annoy me at times. I mean really annoys me....for @*@!s sake Jack stop it enough is enough.......just stop laughing......one day I will @*^@ing kick you up the *@!*&@ing ......”, and speaking on the record Kol said “He’s a lovely lad and does make me laugh”.
Will we see the return of Big Red today? And will Mr Roger keep his place at the top. Can’t wait....see you all at 2.
Well that’s the month of dressing up over and done with. With the ECB Dappers and Belles cruise followed by Halloween people just don’t seem to have been themselves recently. It must be time to shake off the cobwebs, bury some old ghosts, put the skeleton back in the closet and play some polo.
Today sees the start of the Winter season. Wrap up warm. That big ball of burning stuff in the sky is deceptively cold at this time of year.
More newbies will be joining us this season including Will and Jon who made a guest appearance at the end of last season. Newbie PC Paul will be playing for the first time today so lets not be too hard on him.
After Nick and Big Red’s epic battle for the number 1 spot in the summer league will they be able to maintain their form or will new faces climb to the top. Will Andy find his form?, Will Adam be stuck at work?, Will Dean stay fixed?, Will Nick do an elegant dismount?, Will Young Jack ever stop laughing? and Will Will? Just a few of the questions that need answering.
Well done to everyone who played during the Summer Season. Its been great fun with great goals, some excellent teamwork and lots and lots of falling off. Well done to Nick who wins the league for the second time and congratulations to Big Red and Kol for their second and third places. Although Big Red didn’t get the top spot in the league, he still managed to retain his #1 ranking.
After the excitement of last weeks final session of the Summer Season, this week we take it easy. An afternoon on fun and frolics. Bring your drinks & snacks. Its going to be a very civilized afternoon with lots of fun and games. Everyone welcome to come and have a go
This is it, the final session of the 2013 Summer Season and its still very tight at the top. After Nick’s devastating defeat last week, coming 9th out of 9, Big Red moves into the top spot. Going in to today’s session Big Red now leads Nick by 6 points. Nick and Big Red seem to have got 1st and 2nd spot firmly in their grasps. Will the “Shouty One” see Big Red or will he just see red. Its going to be a tough battle between them today.
3rd and 4th spot are being competed for by Mr Roger and Kol. Both on 168 points with Kol just leading on goal difference. Will Kol be on form today and will he put Mr Roger in a corner. It seem unlikely as we all know Nobody Puts Mr Roger in a Corner apart from Mr Roger himself.
5th and 6th places are being fought for between Young Jack and Dean “Double Dean” Dent. Jack is currently leading by 9 points but after Dean’s emphatic win last week anything is possible. Going from last place in the previous session to first place in last weeks session, Dean has proved that he has the ability but not necessarily the consistency. Can he pull it out of the bag again today or will Young Jack be on fire again and retain his 5th place.
This week also sees the return of Bryan “heads up” Berue. After taking what seems like the whole summer off from Polo, will Bryan have forgotten how to play or will he just fall off a lot. Oh... I remember now .. that’s how he used to play. Looking forward to seeing you back on the court Bryan.
Another Newbie will be joining us today. After several weeks of persuasion Dave has finally bit the bullet and decide to join us. Let try to be kind to him on his first day and not break him.
Well this is interesting. A good win by Dean just
beating Big Red on goal difference and an impressive 4th place for
Young Jack. I don't know what happened to Nick yesterday though. Well
done everyone another great session.
Two weeks ago Mr Roger put in an excellent performance and gained his second win of the season. The two Cols came in second and 3rd. Newbies Mike and Andy had some great games. Looks like Andy’s getting into his rhythm now. Young Jack came in 6th, although he was on fire most of the day with some cracking goals and great defending. Dean “Double Dean...Why didn’t you mention my return in the Mallard” Dent came in last winning only 1 game. You need to up your game Mr Dent.
This week sees the return of the “Shouty One”. After a couple of weeks basking in the sun, Nick returns to defend his number one spot in the league. A difficult task as Big Red is only 7 points behind and has been playing consistently well throughout the season. Kol and Mr Roger are battling it out for 3rd and 4th places but poor performances from Nick and Big Red could see them challenging for 2nd place. Its certainly going to be an interesting session today and with only 2 sessions left in the season anything could happen. Nick’s number one spot is definitely not a Gibbon.
Today also sees the return of our favourite part-timer Adam “The Workaholic” Smith. Although Adam is too far down in the league he can still defend his ranking. Currently ranked second, a good session today could see him climb above Big Red and take the number one spot.
With a potential 9 players today don't be surprised at the results.
We’re off to the Yorkshire Bicycle Show in Leeds followed by a session at the velodrome in Manchester.
Along the way we will be giving moral support to that lunatic Mike who is riding solo from Hull to Manchester. I say moral support...we’re going to throw things at him and call him names. Its all for a worthy cause so we won’t be too mean to him.
Last week one of our players complained that his return after a period of absence was not mentioned in the Mallard. I do apologise Dean. Here is a mention just for you.
Dean “Double Dean” Dent returned last week and came last.
The season will be extended by one week to make up for not playing today
well, well what a day. We almost cancelled due to rain. Mr Roger came
top in an epic session and it was nice to see the return of Dean "Double
Dean" Dent even though he did come last. Well done everyone. Another
Great Sunday Mix.
Today sees the return of Young Jack to the court. Unable to play last week due to injury Young Jack stepped in and refereed the entire session. This was probably the most consistent and accurate reffing we have had for a long time. Well done Jack. Now he is physically fit and well and ready to get his River Horse ass back in the saddle. Watch out people Jack is on a mission
Last week saw the Col’s take the top two places. Big Red put in an excellent performance with some cracking goals and losing only three out of twelve games. He’s now getting closer and closer to Nick at the top of the league. Another good result today and anything could happen at the top. After the previous weeks win, Kol managed a respectable second place. Just one point behind Big Red. There may not be enough games for Kol to reach the top of the table but he is certainly in contention for third place. Kol and Mr Roger are only separated by two points in the league and with three sessions to go we will see a tough battle for third place.
Newbies Mike and Andy returned last week for their second session. Looks like, despite our efforts, we didn’t scare them off and now we’ve got them hooked. Mike put in a very good performance and moves up two places in the league to 9th. It took Andy a while to show what he’s got. In fact it wasn’t until the very last game that he came to life with two excellent goals and some great positional and defensive play. Well done Andy. It seems like Andy may have found his mojo.
Lets hope the weather isn't too bad today. The forecast is for a lot of rain but hopefully the polo gods will hold it off until we've played.
Two newbies joined us last week. Mike and Andy put on a great show. Both riding borrowed bikes and discovering the need for a good brake. After being set up in front of an open goal the excitement of his chance to get his first goal was too much for Andy. Adrenalin rushed through his body as he took his shot, his mallet flew out of his hand hitting Kol in the chest and in the panic he forgot to brake and ended up riding straight through the goal. Goal spotter at the time, Mr Roger said “You should have seen his face. It was a look of sheer panic...I wish I’d had my camera. A valiant effort Andy.
Mike riding Dean’s Bike discovered that, although Dean’s bike is fixed wheel, you still need a good brake. Unfortunately Dean’s Bike’s brake stopped functioning altogether on the day. This saw Mike do a spectacular exit from the court. Missing the goal posts and walls and heading straight out of the court eventually stopping half way down the street. A good show Mike and some good goals. Well done.
Kol got his first win of the season but this was overshadowed by Young Jack’s spectacular performance. Jack was relentless and managed to secure his highest finish of the season coming in 2nd place. Well done Jack. Unfortunately Jack will not be playing today due to injuries caused by a self inflicted bicycle incident. You should know by now Jack that you can’t go round corners that fast without clipping a pedal. In the spirit of the game Jack will be reffing for us this week. Good show Young Man.
Nick’s away for 2 weeks so its time for us all to try and catch him at the top of the table. A few good results over the next couple of weeks for Big Red could see Big Red and Nick in a final session showdown.